The suit also argued that members have been reduced to posting their beer reviews around the clock in order to "regain our mojo" and have lost all opportunities for sexual congress as a result. "And not just with congress, with governors too," CAMRA spokesperson Kenzo4life told the press.

Russell, whose Joe Sixpack's Philly Beer Guide was recently published to rave reviews, created the "Joe Sixpack" column for the Philadelphia Daily News in 1996 while still a staff reporter. After accepting a massive buyout package a few years ago which made him independently wealthy, he continued the column on a freelance basis, frequently winging his way around the world in his private jet, "Gotcha," to conduct interviews or sample hard-to-find brews.

The pseudonymous columnist acknowledged, in his own tearful press conference, that his fame actually is based upon a heinous act, but then argued that he has suffered enough for his transgressions. He said that he has been in a state of massive depression for almost a decade because the end result of what has been considered his greatest achievement as a beer writer, a 1998 expose about how beer vendors at the old Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia were shorting customers, resulted in larger quantities of bland American lagers and light beers being sold to those customers at lower prices.

"I keep arguing that Philadelphia is America's best beer-drinking city," said the choked-up newsman, "and yet I've always known that I did more than anyone to keep more bad beer flowing here. I am so ashamed."

In related news, Camino books, Russell's publisher, announced this morning that they would do a second printing which will feature a new chapter in which Russell will discussion consortium or the lack thereof and the proper beers for either situation. "Since those CAMRA guys brought sex into the conversation, we were also going to include a section about the best beers for trysts, based on Don's personal experiences," said a Camino spokesperson, "but we quickly realized nobody was gonna buy that for a minute."--ZACK HURTIN