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April 01, 2008 - Mysterious Online Stalker Who Hounded Beer Scribe Lew Bryson Captured At Last
Cherchez la Hound.

After nearly a year of a multi-million dollar surveillance program designed to uncover the person behind an ongoing series of "mean and not nice" emails to local beer writer Lew Bryson had uncovered not a single clue, the Homeland Security Department finally found the culprit right under their noses when an agent entered the supposedly empty Bryson residence to use the bathroom.

The evil emailer turned out to be a year-old Pembroke Welsh Corgi who has been living with the Bryson family since last March. Because of his age, the accused's name is being withheld. It is not clear whether the Corgi, who apparently used Bryson's own computer to carry out his nefarious campaign when no one was home, was merely a friend of the family, a pet or filled some other function. "I am very sorry for what I did," he was quoted in an apologetic statement released by his lawyer, "but I was under incredible stress. You have no idea just how loud that man is and what it sounds like to my sensitive doggie ears."

Bryson, who is generally acknowledged to be the World's Loudest Beer Writer, has not made any public statements and is said to be distraught and under the care of sound management specialist. In a revelation sure to titillate the beer community, the Corgi's statement revealed that "[Bryson] actually practices that laugh of his in front of the mirror when nobody's around. Slaps his fedora on his head and just stands there posing while he laughs and laughs as loud as he can. That, and the madrigals he insisted on singing with lunch, were driving me mad."

In related news, a Lancaster area school teacher, John "Woody" Chandler, called a press conference to announce that he would claim the World's Loudest Beer Writer mantle if Bryson was too broken up to carry on, but nobody showed up. "That guy is really weird and dresses funny," explained a Wall Street Journal stringer.--HACK BURTIN